


The Stoned Age

by JayTDawgzone9999



Category: Dr. STONE (Anime), Dr. STONE (Manga)
Genre: Aliens, Crack, Exactly What It Says on the Tin, I Don't Even Know, Manga Spoilers, Spoilers, Weed, What-If, area 51, not entirely canon compliant, shitpost fic, some fics just type themselves and your brain isn't invited to the party, what-if fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-15
Updated: 2019-11-15
Packaged: 2021-01-31 00:23:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,105
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21437140
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JayTDawgzone9999/pseuds/JayTDawgzone9999
Summary: A little over 3,700 years after the end of the world, the gang goes to area 51.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 15





	The Stoned Age

**Author's Note:**

> Exactly what it says on the tin.

It was the year 5 thousand....5 thousand and....5.....

"Uh, hey, Senku, what year is it again?" Taiju asked, his voice about as hushed as a stampede of elephants in a moshpit. 

"Goddammit, we have to sneak in here, you know what that means, dumbass? It means we have to be quiet or else the aliens might attack us!" Chrome whisper-yelled in vain, as Taiju, whose brain was as dense and impenetrable as his namesake, ignored him.

"It's 5,741, just like the last 15 times I reminded you this year." Senku said in a voice that merely hinted at the level of sheer exasperation he was experiencing. 

"But-" Taiju started. 

"Oh God, not this shit again." Tsukasa mumbled to himself, his dominant hand (the one he used to jack off,) itching to grab his sword and satisfy the uncomfortable bloodlust he felt that gave him random pangs of guilt once in a while (or maybe that was just his heart healing from his old wound, he still wasn't totally sure.) 

"But if it's 5,741, then when did we-" 

For the last time, Taiju, math-I mean, numbers, aren't rocket science. At least not the cool kind anyways." Senku explained. "It's been 3 years since we woke up. We woke up in the year 5,738. That means it's been 3 years since we woke up. Now everybody keep your voices down and minimize the complaining, we have an alien hideout to sneak into and we can't do that if everyone's bitching and moaning about irrelevant shit." 

"Uh, guys, what's that?" Kohaku asked when she saw someone running in a weird stance with their arms directly behind them about 50 yards away.

Whoever or whatever was running ignored them, or perhaps was oblivious to them and had no idea they were even there, but the sight was rather unsettling regardless. 

Minami, the tiny reporter who had basically glued herself to Tsukasa's hip once Senku thawed him out and fixed up his wound, took out a small notepad and scribbled something down in it before putting it away, but otherwise was as silent as a little kid sneaking around looking for Santa Claus on Christmas morning. Naturally, nobody bothered to ask her what she wrote, not even Tsukasa, because honestly, nobody wanted to acknowledge that the strange runner existed, but they all silently respected her for being brave enough to record what she observed nonetheless. 

"What was what?" Senku said. "I didn't see anything." 

"Uh, but I swore I could have seen-" Kohaku started.

"Probably just your eyes playing tricks on you, we're all alone out here, all 17 of-" Senku suddenly paused, first in confusion, then (significantly delayed) horror after realizing that after the "eventful" helicopter ride that took them all to America, there were only 8 of them left. 

Tsukasa blinked once. It was a very long blink. Somehow, he had gone from being a sad, lonely little boy who wanted nothing more than for his sister to get better to a famous celebrity who could have almost anything he wanted, and now here he was, stuck in the middle of the Nevada desert with a bunch of morons hunting for aliens, because, as Senku said "If anybody's hiding the secret to the petrification incident, it would be aliens." 

What was worse, everyone else cheered Senku on, praising him for his stunning intellect and peerless logic, Tsukasa thought, struggling to resist the impulse to smash his head against the nearest solid object (besides Taiju's head,) and bash his own brains out to relieve his agonizing aggravation.

"Alright, this isn't so bad." Senku lied, his eyes darting around for a second before putting on a mask of completely fake composure. "The coast is clear, the aliens don't seem to be out right now, we should be able to make a clean, quiet entrance if we all just head for that opening over there." he explained, pointing out a small hole in a large slab of a stone wall that, Tsukasa, standing at 6 foot 8, knew he wouldn't be able to fit through. 

__________

It all started on an uneventful Thursday night, a few weeks after Senku thawed Tsukasa out and patched up his critical injury. Senku, Taiju, Yuzuriha, Kohaku, Chrome, Gen, and a bunch of other people Tsukasa couldn't be fucked to remember the names of were all sitting around a campfire telling stories and joking around after a dull but somewhat productive day. Hyoga, the slime-ridden fleaball that he was, showed up with a couple dozen lackeys, threatening to beat his ass until it was concave, depetrify his mother, and fuck her in front of him.

"Well, of course he came back, why would I be able to live my life without the universe constantly throwing curveballs at me?" Tsukasa though to himself, not even bothering to convince himself that it wasn't like he was bitter at all or anything about the metric shit ton of bullshit he had to deal with stacked on top of all the other bullshit he had dealt with while everyone else did what they did best: scream, run around, rip open their shirt and yell at people to hit them, throw slingshots, and yell about science while making shit explode. "Mistakes always come back to bite you in the ass after all. But my ass won't be the one being bitten this time, you *redacted*."

Senku, Chrome, and Kohaku managed to be useful and Tsukasa let them handle Hyoga's goons while he went and beat Hyoga's ass like Hank Hill delivering an ass kicking after finding out someone used charcoal for grilling instead of propane, but in the end, there were a few casualties, and Hyoga made some kind of cryptic remark about the true cause of the petrification incident before Tsukasa yeeted him over a cliff.

"Well, that's life in the stone world for you." Senku told everyone while he fixed his hair with a comb that Yuzuriha let him borrow. "99% routine and 1% terrifying as hell. Luckily we have science, though, so the answer to our next problem is as simple as can be."

Tsukasa felt someone clinging onto his arm but didn't even bother to look as Taiju passed out, falling over like a log while Senku gaped at him in a combination of confusion (at why he passed out, since he never actually did anything but stand still and block a bunch of hits) and also confusion (at why the hell he locked his knees during the whole thing, which no doubt aided in his loss of consciousness.)

________

At any rate, life must go on, and onwards it went, as a few hours later, Senku explained to everyone that they were going to build a helicopter to head over to America, so they could visit a place called Area 51, because that was what Senku guessed Hyoga had been referring to with his cryptic comment before Tsukasa gave the traitorous bastard the John Cena treatment.

"So...lemme get this straight." Chrome asked. "We have to build a helicopter and fly across the ocean to some place called Area 51, and when we get there, we'll find the secret that will reveal the cause of the petrification that caused the downfall of civilization?"

"Yes, exactly." Senku said. "I knew you guys had brain cells."

"No the fuck they don't." Tsukasa thought, not realizing that he was gripping his sword again until a tiny pair of hands wrapped around his muscular arms again.

"Don't worry, I'm not gonna kill anyone, it's just a stress habit." he reassured the tiny woman clinging to him.

Taiju, oblivious as always, ripped off his second shirt (Yuzuriha sewed him a new one while he was passed out,) and yelled, apparently trying to psych himself up (or, at least, that was what Tsukasa was brave enough to venture to guess-the rest of his guesses made even less sense and frankly, he didn't dare attempt to plumb the impenetrable depths of the black hole that was Taiju's mind anymore than he already tried to.)

"Although you never know...." he muttered, causing the woman clinging onto him to give him a concerned look.

5 thankless, torturous weeks later, Senku, Taiju, Yuzuriha, Tsukasa, Kohaku, Chrome, Gen, and Minami (along with 9 other people,) all stuffed themselves into a helicopter that only 4 of them had worked on because half of the rest of them were too fucking lazy to help and the other half had no relevant talents to allow them to help) and set off for the most hallowed and mysterious of places in all the known world: Area 51.

"Hey, why the fuck is she here, she didn't even help build the helicopter." Gen asked Tsukasa in a slurred voice when Minami sat on his lap next to Mirai while they were all squeezing themselves in.

"Because I felt like bringing her along. Also, she was a lookout, which is a lot more than your sorry ass can say you did, considering you just smoked and drank cola."

"That's not true, I ate ramen and cotton candy too." Gen, still higher than their helicopter was ever going to get, slurred before passing out with his head resting on Tsukasa's shoulder, drooling all over his robe.

"Hey, move over, I'm gonna sit by the window." Chrome said, shoving Tsukasa while he pushed by him to take the window seat.

"Why do you need the window seat? There's more room in the back anyways. The space by the window is barely big enough for a toddler." Tsukasa said, not wanting to give up the tiny amount of room he had to stretch his legs.

"Because I get motion sickness." Chrome replied, roughly shoving him while he crunched himself in the tiny space, kneeing Tsukasa in the leg while was at it.

"Oh great." Tsukasa thought while Senku, who was piloting the thing, told everyone to sit down, shut up, and strap in because they were going on a ride that would alter the course of history forever.

Meanwhile, behind him, a strangely jacked old dude whose name escaped his memory was snoring like a freight train even as the helicopter managed to get off the ground, taking 17 hapless stone age citizens to a brave new world (or at least another country,) and Tsukasa was beginning to wonder if maybe it wouldn't have been better after all if he had been the one to end up brain dead all those years ago instead of his sister (who was also sitting on his lap, and had also done more to help build the damn helicopter than most of the rest of them.) 

"Wow, we're flying, this is so cool!" Mirai said, looking up at Tsukasa. 

Of course, Tsukasa couldn't even imagine getting mad at her, even if he wanted to be literally anywhere besides the plane now (well, besides the freezer Senku stuffed him in, as the distinct memory of his balls retracting all the way inside his body for about 30 seconds still tormented him now and then since the incident,) so he let her point out all the shapes of the clouds to him and chatter on about whatever she felt like while Chrome shotgunned an entire canteen of water after choking down a packet of Dramamine that had expired 3,700 years ago and Gen soaked his right shoulder with drool, effectively ruining his robe. Minami and the old man behind him had fallen asleep (one sleeping much more quietly than the other,) which was tolerable despite the old man's snoring, and Yuzuriha started getting claustrophobic and panicking while Taiju yelled like a moron trying to get her to calm down, which was definitely not tolerable, and Kohaku, who was squished in the back with the old man, accidentally pushed on the back of his head with her foot, which was also definitely far less than fine.

5 and a half hours later, Senku spotted land and announced as much to everyone, which caused an uproar of cheering, at least until it started getting closer way faster than it should have, at which point, a single moment of silence so thick you could cut it with a knife descended over the helicopter. Well, it was now or never, Tsukasa thought as the earth rushed up to meet them and a varied chorus of screams blasted his eardrums. He could probably make it unharmed if he leapt from this height, he thought, although that was only if he held onto Minami and Mirai and let everyone else eat dirt-well, then again, he thought-

He didn't have time to finish that thought as Senku's bloodcurdling scream vibrated through the cabin of the cramped makeshift helicopter and a cloud of flames greeted them. 

_________

"Oh for fuck's sake, I could have made that jump from that height." Tsukasa though as he looked up at the tree where the helicopter had gotten stuck in before it exploded. 

A little more than half of the crew didn't though, Tsukasa soon realized when he looked around at the charred bodies and ashes strewn about and Taiju and Yuzuriha crying and Kohaku and Chrome pulling Senku up to his feet. Gen was nowhere to be found, either among the bodies or among the living, not that Tsukasa gave a shit, he mused as Mirai hugged him, letting him run his hand through her hair. 

"Well, that trial was less successful than I hoped but, hey, at least some of us are still in one piece. All a part of the experimenting process." Senku regarded, doing a terrible job of hiding his emotions, but not as terrible as Taiju and Yuzuriha, who were still crying. What a waste of bodily fluids, Tsukasa thought, as they were in the middle of a desert. 

Chrome, on the other hand, was tonguing the bottom of his canteen of water that he shotgunned earlier, desperately trying to suck out every last drop of moisture that remained in there, although in the end, it was just as unpleasant of a sight to see as what Taiju and Yuzuriha were doing. 

"Oh, hey, look at that." Kohaku said as she picked out a blob of cotton candy that had ended up on Tsukasa's head out of his hair, eating it. "At least we still have some food." 

Tsukasa bit the inside of his own mouth, fighting the urge to grit his teeth hard enough to crack his jaw while Chrome, who had finished wiggling his tongue around the hole at the bottom of his empty water canteen, looked over at him, not quite sure if his stomach wanted food or not. 

"Oh great, what does he want?" Tsukasa though to himself, his mental voice full of the most concentrated levels of snark known to humankind while Senku was busy drawing out his battle plan to get the surviving members of their little helicopter flight in and out of area 51 as fast as possible "because aliens can't run that fast," or so Tsukasa thought he heard him say at one point, along with the phrases "You gotta crack a few nuts to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich," and "the smoke from the helicopter will serve as a distraction if we haul ass outta here fast enough, so let's get moving." 

__________

"Alright, so we all head for our 10 o'clock on my signal, got it?" Senku told everyone who was still alive, pointing towards the opening in the wall Tsukasa had no chance in hell of fitting through. 

"Clear!" Chrome replied, Kohaku giving him a thumbs up while Yuzuriha and Taiju nodded and Mirai and Minami most likely did the same, as they had both been hanging onto Tsukasa or hiding behind his back ever since they passed by a giant ball of twine that crushed 5 cows, a deer, and a wheel of semi-melted swiss cheese that smelled like a car engine, a locker room, and a dead opossum (roughly 4 or 5 days ago, if Tsukasa had to guess, as he was actively trying to repress his own memories of everything that had happened since he got on the helicopter about a week ago.) 

"Wait, what the-" Senku, Tsukasa, Yuzuriha, Kohaku, Chrome, Mirai, and Minami all gaped in shock as Taiju, being himself, rushed towards the hole, smashing it so hard the entire wall crumbled down. 

"What the-what the hell, I said we sneak in, not-what the fuck did you do anyways?" Senku asked Taiju. 

"Oh, well, Tsukasa couldn't fit through the hole, so I tried to make it bigger but I screwed up, so my apologies!" Taiju informed him, still in the same stance as before, as he was still hyped up from being able to smash the whole wall down even if it was an accident. 

"You dumbass, how the hell are we gonna sneak in now?" Chrome complained as a sudden noise that sounded like thousands of people running caught everyone's attention. 

"Well, you've certainly gone and done it now." Senku told Taiju, looking slightly annoyed but otherwise not too unhinged until a strange noise (besides the people running,) distracted him, the look on his face a cross between shock, confusion, and abject horror. 

_________

"Alright, class, that's it for today's history lesson." the teacher told her fourth grade students while one of them shut his textbook. "That concludes the lesson on the great battle of Area 51." she informed them, knowing that the full story of how the battle ended wasn't age-apppropriate, as everyone involved that survived more than 5 minutes got higher than Senku's helicopter ever managed to get, some of them passing out in a ballpit that some angry teenagers pissed in inside the remains of a dilapidated hotel/convention center and all of them getting arrested by the cops and subsequently sent to a certain peninsula state in the lower 48 United States of America to live out the rest of their days segregated from what was left of the rest of society. 

"But what happened during the battle?" another kid asked. 

"You'll have to pass about 8 more standardized tests before you'll be old enough to hear about it. Now you don't have to go home, but you do have to leave because tomorrow's a teacher workday and they don't pay us enough for that shit." the teacher told the kid, shooing him off. 

"Goddamn, I need a new job." the teacher though as the last kids left her classroom. "Almost makes me wish that petrification shit had been permanent."


End file.
